6th February 2011:
Almost Died. This could be a good starting line. Yeah it is.
I don't know what else to write but .... I guess I'll continue later.
14th June 2011:
Finding time. Searching everywhere. But failed to see where it had been. Within Me. If you wanna do what you really want to then you go ahead and do it. Time plays no importance there. It seems like an entity created by the human mind. Just another measurement. Just another unit.
So here i am. Finishing what i had started. Birthday is approaching. So thought to write it down. No better time.
Had been suffering from some weakness. Well not mentally and certainly not spiritually. Strong in those areas. But in some way, low in emotional quotient and definitely in physical department. Never been a healthy kid. Or better to put in a different way that never quite understood that " Health Is Wealth" .... Whether it is utter disregard for health or for wealth .... Never quite understood ....
Family doctor asked my Daddy and Ma to get certain tests done 'on me'. ( Both Ma and Daddy came with me to meet the doctor regarding the complain i had about experiencing "black out" .... a word formed by me which means .... losing vision and consciousness .... )
So with Daddy i went to the Scientific Diagnostic Center. I gave them what they needed of me (and my body rejected. I guess you got it ;) .... Ha ha). Certain tests like that of sugar had to be performed after having lunch. I had promised my friend Akash Jain that we will be going to see 127 Hours Sunday afternoon but he could not make it when i returned home after the second round of tests. I had plans to see that movie with one another friend to whom i had text a SMS the week before but as no reply came i decided to go alone. My 10th movie alone. 10th?? Probably yes.
My parents insisted that i stayed home and don't go for movie as the tests had been conducted that day only and i might feel some nausea or weakness. Poor excuses but the ones that were about to be true in the coming couple of hours.
Drove to Fun Cinemas. Bought ticket. Screen 5. Still time for movie. A very close friend called up asking my health and so sincerely worried about me for taking this risk. I don't know why people were getting so tensed. I told my friend the movie is about to start so i cut the call and went in. Found my seat besides three senior citizens.
It was when i sat in the chair that's when i had my first gut feeling, something telling me "You must not be here" .... Same feeling when i fell down while skating and fractured my arm, same when i climbed that rock in Mt. Abu and came rolling down, same before i knew my school rickshaw was going to be overturned ....
Its always some one else who tells me when i hear this voice. Never been like "I must not be here". But always "You must not be here". Never knew the reason. Probably because its been some wild, fantasy filled creation of my mind that i'm some one else. Inside there's more. Something i fear to bring to light. Something i so fearfully hide. Or something i just pretend i'm not or something i wish to be but fear to achieve.
The movie's on !! "Never Hear Surf Music Again" is the song that's been played in the initial sequences. Well i won't tell about the movie because i would love you to watch this movie and decide for your self. As for me i love this movie a lot. Specially the parts when he plays a host and also the celebrity on a radio show, when he records a message for his parents and when he knows in his heart that he's not gonna survive and talks about the rock being there waiting for him all the time it had been there.
So when he scratches the initials R.I.P. on the rock next to him and scribbles his name underneath it i begin to experience some pain in my chest. With a second of realizing that i'm gonna get sick it reaches to my brain. I fall down in my seat. Still sitting but face down. Next 15 minutes no one next to me notices that i'm down. Lost. Lost in eternity. Lost in the darkness. Lost in myself. In my weakness. Lost all senses. And then i hear it .... Clapping. Cheers. And it felt like life was breathed back into me. I looked at the screen. The protagonist of the movie had received help. People were clapping. I moved my hands on my face. Sweat is what i felt. I moved my hands down my throat, on my tee and i felt it wet with sweat running down from my forehead and face. I got up. Moved out of Screen 5. Started breathing in as much oxygen as i can. As much air as i can pump in. I moved to the counter to ask for water and still being a little shocked by the state of my face the attendant started to explain me the new Pepsi scheme. I looked upto him and said "Pani". He handed me the bottle of water. Aquafina. I opened it up and drank half of it. Then paid him and walked back into the hall. Finding the nearest sit empty i sank into it. He had been rescued. He was home. The real Aron Ralston was being showed. The movie ends. Everybody gets up and starts to move towards exit. I straighten myself and sit right. Still drinking water i listen to the song that i'm going to listen all my life "If I Rise". Oscar nominated that year. Beautiful song. Close to my heart for every reason possible. When it finally gets over i start to walk towards the exit. Sweat finally off my face.
As soon as i saw the open sky i was reminded of something and i thanked God. Then i called home and told what had happened. Daddy and Didi came rushing to the spot. I went home. Laid down on my bed and slept.
The movie brought a sweet nightmare which off late has not been so sweet. In fact it has me getting up from sleep. I see myself trapped some where. No one to hear me. And the worst thing i don't have the courage needed to cut my own hand. Either i'm all wired up wrong or i take life too seriously and too independently like the protagonist of the movie. Not telling where he was going. Not answering back to those who would die to give him company. Ignoring care and love. To be honest i don't ignore care and love but certainly don't share problems with any one. Always trying to solve it on my own. Hoping it would help me to discover a new 'me'.
Well that's 127 Hours and My 20 minutes.
I hope its not too long and boring. I just wrote it. Didn't proof read it so forgive the mistakes and careless sentiments.
Thank You.
Almost Died. This could be a good starting line. Yeah it is.
I don't know what else to write but .... I guess I'll continue later.
14th June 2011:
Finding time. Searching everywhere. But failed to see where it had been. Within Me. If you wanna do what you really want to then you go ahead and do it. Time plays no importance there. It seems like an entity created by the human mind. Just another measurement. Just another unit.
So here i am. Finishing what i had started. Birthday is approaching. So thought to write it down. No better time.
Had been suffering from some weakness. Well not mentally and certainly not spiritually. Strong in those areas. But in some way, low in emotional quotient and definitely in physical department. Never been a healthy kid. Or better to put in a different way that never quite understood that " Health Is Wealth" .... Whether it is utter disregard for health or for wealth .... Never quite understood ....
Family doctor asked my Daddy and Ma to get certain tests done 'on me'. ( Both Ma and Daddy came with me to meet the doctor regarding the complain i had about experiencing "black out" .... a word formed by me which means .... losing vision and consciousness .... )
So with Daddy i went to the Scientific Diagnostic Center. I gave them what they needed of me (and my body rejected. I guess you got it ;) .... Ha ha). Certain tests like that of sugar had to be performed after having lunch. I had promised my friend Akash Jain that we will be going to see 127 Hours Sunday afternoon but he could not make it when i returned home after the second round of tests. I had plans to see that movie with one another friend to whom i had text a SMS the week before but as no reply came i decided to go alone. My 10th movie alone. 10th?? Probably yes.
My parents insisted that i stayed home and don't go for movie as the tests had been conducted that day only and i might feel some nausea or weakness. Poor excuses but the ones that were about to be true in the coming couple of hours.
Drove to Fun Cinemas. Bought ticket. Screen 5. Still time for movie. A very close friend called up asking my health and so sincerely worried about me for taking this risk. I don't know why people were getting so tensed. I told my friend the movie is about to start so i cut the call and went in. Found my seat besides three senior citizens.
It was when i sat in the chair that's when i had my first gut feeling, something telling me "You must not be here" .... Same feeling when i fell down while skating and fractured my arm, same when i climbed that rock in Mt. Abu and came rolling down, same before i knew my school rickshaw was going to be overturned ....
Its always some one else who tells me when i hear this voice. Never been like "I must not be here". But always "You must not be here". Never knew the reason. Probably because its been some wild, fantasy filled creation of my mind that i'm some one else. Inside there's more. Something i fear to bring to light. Something i so fearfully hide. Or something i just pretend i'm not or something i wish to be but fear to achieve.
The movie's on !! "Never Hear Surf Music Again" is the song that's been played in the initial sequences. Well i won't tell about the movie because i would love you to watch this movie and decide for your self. As for me i love this movie a lot. Specially the parts when he plays a host and also the celebrity on a radio show, when he records a message for his parents and when he knows in his heart that he's not gonna survive and talks about the rock being there waiting for him all the time it had been there.
So when he scratches the initials R.I.P. on the rock next to him and scribbles his name underneath it i begin to experience some pain in my chest. With a second of realizing that i'm gonna get sick it reaches to my brain. I fall down in my seat. Still sitting but face down. Next 15 minutes no one next to me notices that i'm down. Lost. Lost in eternity. Lost in the darkness. Lost in myself. In my weakness. Lost all senses. And then i hear it .... Clapping. Cheers. And it felt like life was breathed back into me. I looked at the screen. The protagonist of the movie had received help. People were clapping. I moved my hands on my face. Sweat is what i felt. I moved my hands down my throat, on my tee and i felt it wet with sweat running down from my forehead and face. I got up. Moved out of Screen 5. Started breathing in as much oxygen as i can. As much air as i can pump in. I moved to the counter to ask for water and still being a little shocked by the state of my face the attendant started to explain me the new Pepsi scheme. I looked upto him and said "Pani". He handed me the bottle of water. Aquafina. I opened it up and drank half of it. Then paid him and walked back into the hall. Finding the nearest sit empty i sank into it. He had been rescued. He was home. The real Aron Ralston was being showed. The movie ends. Everybody gets up and starts to move towards exit. I straighten myself and sit right. Still drinking water i listen to the song that i'm going to listen all my life "If I Rise". Oscar nominated that year. Beautiful song. Close to my heart for every reason possible. When it finally gets over i start to walk towards the exit. Sweat finally off my face.
As soon as i saw the open sky i was reminded of something and i thanked God. Then i called home and told what had happened. Daddy and Didi came rushing to the spot. I went home. Laid down on my bed and slept.
The movie brought a sweet nightmare which off late has not been so sweet. In fact it has me getting up from sleep. I see myself trapped some where. No one to hear me. And the worst thing i don't have the courage needed to cut my own hand. Either i'm all wired up wrong or i take life too seriously and too independently like the protagonist of the movie. Not telling where he was going. Not answering back to those who would die to give him company. Ignoring care and love. To be honest i don't ignore care and love but certainly don't share problems with any one. Always trying to solve it on my own. Hoping it would help me to discover a new 'me'.
Well that's 127 Hours and My 20 minutes.
I hope its not too long and boring. I just wrote it. Didn't proof read it so forgive the mistakes and careless sentiments.
Thank You.
please do
ReplyDeletesorry for completing it so late but i did it ....
ReplyDeletetell me what u feel? .... where should i improve?
Nice one... keep it up :)
ReplyDelete