A Conversation With God: Part 2: Understanding Love and Belief.

It’s all white and blue, as far as the eye can see. But I am not looking up. I’m seating on the white floor with my legs folded. I have placed my palms on the back of my neck, elbows in my lap. My neck bent and I’m staring into this white, blue nothingness.

I hear footsteps approaching. I feel His warmth. I feel it filling the space around me. But I don’t look up. Probably I don’t wanna look up. I’m tired. There is no life left. There is no strength. The pain is just too much, too damn much!

I feel Him kneeling on His one knee. The warmth increases. He keeps his one hand on my shoulder. I let out a tear from my eye. He then speaks.

G: God
J: Julious Macqueen

G: How is the 25^th year of your life, my child?

I look up to Him, wondering why does He have to ask? Doesn’t he know what I’m going through? So I say.

J: You know it! Why do you ask?

G: I’ll know only as much as you tell me. I’m just your fiction. I’m just your way of sharing your pain. A way to let that flow away what you have been holding in you! The real God has already plans set for you and those all will come into motion the day you start believing in the power of His Love!

J: Love? Belief? Do you know what your creation is doing down there? No one believes in Love anymore! There is such a reckless use of that word that it will disgust You and sicken You!

He then seats down folding His legs in front of me. I look up into His eyes.

G: People do believe in Love. And they are hoping for the same. But they aren’t working for the same. And that’s the difference. Many give up fooling themselves into the worldly tricks like being practical or telling themselves lies that it isn’t meant to be because they are scared to do the right thing and what consequences might follow. But few know the true worth. And they are ready to fight for it. And when they do fight they are at peace with themselves and with Me. Few are strong to see that Love and Belief remain what they are meant to be, beautiful and everlasting, while rest are not so strong. But that doesn’t make them sinners. They are weak willed and it’s up to the likes of those who are strong to carry on and make them see the truth. That becomes one of the purposes of their lives.

J: It’s so hurting to do the right thing! It’s so damn painful and one feels so alone! I have been too strong for too long! And You are still testing me in every sphere of my life! I have been good to everyone. I have been there for those who asked of me.

G: Yes, it’s been a long journey being mature and steady! But considering what you are capable of I think you can take this pain and a lot more! I made you and I know what you are capable of! I know you since before you breathed your first. Most had given up on you even before you came but yet you fought through and you were born. So don’t think that this journey is long and that you have been tested to your potential. And while you were there for everyone, do remember I was there for you! While you prayed, I listened. So have faith! You were born strong! You are still strong but you have just lost faith because you are scared and there are, as per you, seemingly overwhelming situations right now! But trust in Me. I’ll make things right through you. Just have faith! Pray and work! Sitting down and crying won’t help! Just get up and even though you have to go through shame and pain, walk through it. Cry when you wish to but don’t stop trying. Even with tears in your eyes always have courage in your heart! Don’t let pain overcome you! This is the moment when you show faith and strength. This is the moment to show the meaning of what’s beautiful, what’s love and belief and what is truly the strength of human heart. People have overcome far greater obstacles because they kept working towards solving them. So don’t give up! Work for what you believe in! And believe Me, I’m with you. And you will know it. So what are you gonna do Julious Macqueen?

J: I’m gonna work. I’m gonna work my heart out. I’m gonna work for what I believe in, no matter what people say. No matter how much they try to fool themselves and me. I’m gonna show them the light and the truth. I’m gonna show them what’s possible because of Love. The beauty of Love and the true happiness that it brings. I’m gonna give my all. In the process I’m gonna break myself to be whole again because I know I can’t walk like this. I’m gonna learn to share and ask for help. And I’m gonna Believe in Your Love. I’ll make Love and Belief a Success!

G: Godspeed, my child!

J: Thank you God! I love you!

G: I’ve always loved you kid! Go, get working! 

A Conversation With God: Part 1

16 June 2015.

Tomorrow, 17^th June, is my birthday!

What if I die today, make the journey to the doorsteps of His heavenly abode and have a discussion with Him? What it will be like?

G: God

J: Julious

(Opening my eyes and seeing Him)

G: Hey! Say something! Come on! This ain’t a dream my friend! It’s the real thing! I’m sorry your number came up.

J: Goodness me! Hey! Hi .. but .. Sorry for what?

G: I made you miss your 25^th birthday by some hours!

J: Oh gee! It’s still 16^th June? That’s just …..

G: Unfair? Unlucky? ‘Africa’? Come on say something! I know you aren’t much vocal about your failures. I know you like to make fun of it and let everyone believe you are okay with it but not me bud! I’m .. what you guys say .. Antaryami .. Omnipotent .. I know it’s hurting you .. stuck up in life .. trying to do something so as to be able to do something else later in life .. It’s alright kid! Say! But yes don’t call yourself Africa because I haven’t forsaken that land as I haven’t forsaken any of you. Don’t copy Leonardo from Blood Diamond. I know that guy is pissed off for not winning Oscars but let him look up to Peter O’Toole! So say something.

J: You reminded me .. I haven’t watched Lawrence of Arabia yet! That’s another bummer! Yeah I’ll go with bummer .. It’s a bummer to miss my birthday by some hours! Oh I’m now feeling sad .. My parents .. My sister .. My friends .. They all must have had something planned for me .. Come on! This is isn’t cool!

G: You know what? Gandhi walked straight away without a word through those doors into heaven! He didn’t see the country he freed and he thanks me every day for the same but still goes on fast to better his homeland!

J: Alright! I won’t sulk! I’ll also walk in...

G: Who said you are going in?

J: So hell it is? I don’t think I’m that bad!

G: No, not hell!

J: Gee! Purgatory?

G: Nope! You are in kinda sticky situation! A limbo!

J: Between hell and purgatory? Is there even a place like that?

G: No! You’re in between heaven and purgatory!

J: Okay! But I don’t think there is place even like that .. You just made it up!

G: This is your story .. You made that up .. Don’t blame me!

J: Phew!

G: That's not a 'Phew' For me!  You can’t go to heaven and I can’t keep you in purgatory! 

J: Why is that?

G: See, you’re a fairly good person! Have attended all Christmas, Holy Week Masses and every other day of obligation and have missed Church on Sundays thrice in the years you have lived! You get brownie points for that particular day when you walked to Church and back home on a Friendship day in a pretty heavy downpour! Kudos! But what other than that?

 I mean those are rules made by men not by me! The only rule I made was to love others as you love thyself! Pray for your persecutors and love your enemies! And a list of 10 other commandments which every bloke should follow if he wants to live even with himself but I see where you guys have gone! So on what basis shall I put you in heaven because I know that’s what you would wish to go!

J: SOP jaisa kuch likhneka hai kya?

G: Hahaha! Come on, its just a way to get onto with this conversation!

J: Alright! Have it your way then!

G: Finally! My way! Yipee! (Sarcastically)

J: Sorry Sir!

G: It’s okay kid! Say!

J: Well I have been a fairly good son, brother, uncle and friend!

G: Keep speaking!

J: I dunno ..

G: Anything that comes to your mind!

J: I have offered my seat to every elderly person and women in public transportation whenever I saw one standing! I have also asked them to ask for their reserved seats when I was standing! I have helped them with their luggage! I have stared back into the eyes of the person who was checking some poor soul out! I have stopped my bike at every accident to help the people involved! I am vocal about those who spit on roads! I have almost every time bought food whenever a beggar asked me for money .. I started denying them lately .. Sorry ..I have taught some slum kids and helped them with their studies! I was a pretty good teacher too! I loved my family and friends fiercely, obeyed rules, never rode without a helmet and .. I dunno

G: Don’t be nervous! Speak your heart!

J: I was a good son till the end! The times I did fight with Mom Dad was when I was trying to be a mediator!

G: Ok! Agreed!

J: As a brother I tried my best! I lost it sometimes because it just got too much for me and for that if you wanna deport me to hell I’m okay with it!

G: Ok! I’ll accept that!

J: As a friend, I have being honest, fierce and forgiving! Except for some who were .. You know what they were and what they did .. I couldn’t forgive them entirely during the time I lived!

G: Okay! And I know you were a wonderful nephew and a good uncle! But this is reciprocation my kid! You loved the people who loved you and you disliked the ones who despised you! That’s not worth it!

You didn’t learn to share your problems! You didn’t learn to ask for help!

I shared my fears with my father before they crucified me.

When I fell for the third time while carrying the cross, they made Simon of Cyrene to carry my cross as my human body couldn’t carry it! I didn’t say ‘No it’s my cross. I and only I will carry it’ 

It was a way of showing the world that there is one thing God can’t do and it’s to make you guys love me! 

You’re creatures of free will and I can’t make you love me and for that I need your help! Because when you find your way towards me you will be helping yourself and others! You didn’t give anyone that chance! You robbed them of that opportunity! It’s not good kid!

J: Yes I’ve problem with sharing my problems! You know that whenever I have started to say something, to share something and I’m really, really speaking .. in the flow .. and that’s when that person cuts in .. and I can’t complete .. it’s so damn frustrating .. and over the years I have tried but then I finally gave up on it .. very few times I tried to share again .. the response and sincerity I am expecting for the reply .. that doesn’t come .. its like the other person doesn’t give a damn when I give so much when they are in trouble .. Do you know how difficult it is?

G: Son, you were in second standard when you started with this daily routine. Get up, a short prayer, brush, washroom, bathroom, get ready and prayer. You didn’t have breakfast without reading the Bible and praying! Past half decade that’s gone and I was still counting on you to start that again because you were such an adorable kid! So sincere .. And you are not the only one .. there are millions for whom I am waiting to turn back to their old innocent selves .. but you guys have time for every other thing .. do you know how difficult it is for me to keep waiting?

J: Yeah I’m .. I’m sorry Sir!

G: Don’t call me Sir! I have called you my friend, son .. Don’t get formal with me!

J: Sorry!

G: So what do you reckon? How do you suggest we get out of this situation?

J: I don’t know!

G: You were gonna turn 25! You must have thought something to do, to change, something different. Haven’t you? 

(To be continued) 

127 Hours And My 20 Minutes

6th February 2011:

Almost Died. This could be a good starting line. Yeah it is.
I don't know what else to write but .... I guess I'll continue later.

14th June 2011:

Finding time. Searching everywhere. But failed to see where it had been. Within Me. If you wanna do what you really want to then you go ahead and do it. Time plays no importance there. It seems like an entity created by the human mind. Just another measurement. Just another unit.

So here i am. Finishing what i had started. Birthday is approaching. So thought to write it down. No better time.

Had been suffering from some weakness. Well not mentally and certainly not spiritually. Strong in those areas. But in some way, low in emotional quotient and definitely in physical department. Never been a healthy kid. Or better to put in a different way that never quite understood that " Health Is Wealth" .... Whether it is utter disregard for health or for wealth .... Never quite understood ....

Family doctor asked my Daddy and Ma to get certain tests done 'on me'. ( Both Ma and Daddy came with me to meet the doctor regarding the complain i had about experiencing "black out" .... a word formed by me which means .... losing vision and consciousness .... )

So with Daddy i went to the Scientific Diagnostic Center. I gave them what they needed of me (and my body rejected. I guess you got it ;) .... Ha ha). Certain tests like that of sugar had to be performed after having lunch. I had promised my friend Akash Jain that we will be going to see 127 Hours Sunday afternoon but he could not make it when i returned home after the second round of tests. I had plans to see that movie with one another friend to whom i had text a SMS the week before but as no reply came i decided to go alone. My 10th movie alone. 10th?? Probably yes.

My parents insisted that i stayed home and don't go for movie as the tests had been conducted that day only and i might feel some nausea or weakness. Poor excuses but the ones that were about to be true in the coming couple of hours.

Drove to Fun Cinemas. Bought ticket. Screen 5. Still time for movie. A very close friend called up asking my health and so sincerely worried about me for taking this risk. I don't know why people were getting so tensed. I told my friend the movie is about to start so i cut the call and went in. Found my seat besides three senior citizens.

It was when i sat in the chair that's when i had my first gut feeling, something telling me "You must not be here" .... Same feeling when i fell down while skating and fractured my arm, same when i climbed that rock in Mt. Abu and came rolling down, same before i knew my school rickshaw was going to be overturned ....

Its always some one else who tells me when i hear this voice. Never been like "I must not be here". But always "You must not be here". Never knew the reason. Probably because its been some wild, fantasy filled creation of my mind that i'm some one else. Inside there's more. Something i fear to bring to light. Something i so fearfully hide. Or something i just pretend i'm not or something i wish to be but fear to achieve.

The movie's on !! "Never Hear Surf Music Again" is the song that's been played in the initial sequences. Well i won't tell about the movie because i would love you to watch this movie and decide for your self. As for me i love this movie a lot. Specially the parts when he plays a host and also the celebrity on a radio show, when he records a message for his parents and when he knows in his heart that he's not gonna survive and talks about the rock being there waiting for him all the time it had been there.

So when he scratches the initials R.I.P. on the rock next to him and scribbles his name underneath it i begin to experience some pain in my chest. With a second of realizing that i'm gonna get sick it reaches to my brain. I fall down in my seat. Still sitting but face down. Next 15 minutes no one next to me notices that i'm down. Lost. Lost in eternity. Lost in the darkness. Lost in myself. In my weakness. Lost all senses. And then i hear it .... Clapping. Cheers. And it felt like life was breathed back into me. I looked at the screen. The protagonist of the movie had received help. People were clapping. I moved my hands on my face. Sweat is what i felt. I moved my hands down my throat, on my tee and i felt it wet with sweat running down from my forehead and face. I got up. Moved out of Screen 5. Started breathing in as much oxygen as i can. As much air as i can pump in. I moved to the counter to ask for water and still being a little shocked by the state of my face the attendant started to explain me the new Pepsi scheme. I looked upto him and said "Pani". He handed me the bottle of water. Aquafina. I opened it up and drank half of it. Then paid him and walked back into the hall. Finding the nearest sit empty i sank into it. He had been rescued. He was home. The real Aron Ralston was being showed. The movie ends. Everybody gets up and starts to move towards exit. I straighten myself and sit right. Still drinking water i listen to the song that i'm going to listen all my life "If I Rise". Oscar nominated that year. Beautiful song. Close to my heart for every reason possible. When it finally gets over i start to walk towards the exit. Sweat finally off my face.

As soon as i saw the open sky i was reminded of something and i thanked God. Then i called home and told what had happened. Daddy and Didi came rushing to the spot. I went home. Laid down on my bed and slept.

The movie brought a sweet nightmare which off late has not been so sweet. In fact it has me getting up from sleep. I see myself trapped some where. No one to hear me. And the worst thing i don't have the courage needed to cut my own hand. Either i'm all wired up wrong or i take life too seriously and too independently like the protagonist of the movie. Not telling where he was going. Not answering back to those who would die to give him company. Ignoring care and love. To be honest i don't ignore care and love but certainly don't share problems with any one. Always trying to solve it on my own. Hoping it would help me to discover a new 'me'.

Well that's 127 Hours and My 20 minutes.
I hope its not too long and boring. I just wrote it. Didn't proof read it so forgive the mistakes and careless sentiments.
Thank You.

26th January 2010

Good Morning !!
Happy Republic Day !!
went to school as usual but it was a pity sight considering that even students are staying home for flag hoisting .... people should get up on this day early and try attending flag hoisting ceremony .... you dont salute your flag most of the year .... do it ....

Demeanor Of My Heart

My sacrifices got overshadowed in human eyes
Because I'm not good at telling lies
Sometimes I think I shout about it from roof tops
Then I find my tongue tied in several knots

The knots are too hard to untie and unwind
Because I've a very weak mind
A mind that can't avoid pleasing everyone
A heart that can never say no to anyone

Pain, pain and pain is all that I've chosen
I've dreams but they are broken
I'm .......... but lazy
I know the goal but the path is hazy

So coward, so weak, so failed am I
I just want to cry, cry and cry
A sharp sword pierces my heart
And slowly and sadly I see it fall apart

A Dream

I am tossing a coin. A gold one. A boy gave me. One side was completely plane. The other side had a print of an innocent boy whose face was shining with happiness, I have called my shot. I am scared as i hold the coin in my hand. Palms closed. The boy in the mirror asks patiently for the outcome. He wanted to know whether he had won or i have lost. He doesn't mention his failure. My knees are shaking. The throat is dry. My forehead is sweaty. I can't reveal the outcome. The boy is the mirror will laugh at me if i loose. I keep my palms closed and bring my hands behind my back. I am protecting the coin from being seen. The boy was amused when the game started but now how was getting anxious. Without seeing the result i had put the coin in my pocket. He is on the verge of crying, he asks for his coin. I shake my head and deny. He starts crying and tells me how hard he had worked to gain that coin. He keeps on crying. I want to stop him but he won't listen. He wants his coin back but i am too afraid to take it out. The situation is too frightening. I feel as if something inside me is turning to ash. The other side of the mirror starts to be filled with water. The boy is drowning. How can i help him? Somebody help me. He keeps on asking for his coin. I don't know where the water is coming from. It's his own tears .... but how is that possible? I ask him to stop crying. But he won't listen. I must break the mirror. So i pick up a stone and hurl it at the mirror. The stone then turns to dust. I bang myself against the mirror but it doesn't break. His eyes are closing. He seems to be unconscious. The boy is on the floor and the other side of mirror is completely filled with water. He is floating now in his own tears. I'm helpless and devastated. I pray to the Lord to take my life and give it to the boy. I'm crying. After sometime the water seems to be receding .... but where is it going? I don't mind. Is he alive? He lays there lifeless. I hear cries from the other side. People are crying. What have i done? They can't see me and i can't see them either. Then there is this brilliant light. I can't see a thing. I'm suffocated.
"The candle that you burn every morning and evening to pray, to thank and for help is no longer fragrant and dispelling darkness. The smoke suffocates me and the wax burns me. What have you done my son, Julious?"
The light fades away and i see water gathering on the edges. I look at the mirror, there's no water there. I'm gasping. I'm choked. Sometime later i'm back to normal and the first thing i do is turn to the mirror. The boy was still there. But was he alive? Something about the other side told me ... yes he is.
When i came to that room there was just one mirror, the one between me and the boy. now i'm between two mirrors. I turn to face the other one but there was nothing, not even my image. I'm coughing. Oh!! its the housemaid who has arrived and she is sweeping the room. Mom should have told me to get up before all this cleaning starts. What was that? Weird dream. Feeling sorry about that boy but can't help .... it was just a dream .... or a reflection of present state?